Quick update

I finally broke down and shared with my husband what has been going through my mind and I promised him that I would go get help. It was one of the hardest things I've ever admitted to. He is so compassionate and understanding but it's hard for me to let him in (or anyone else for that matter) because I just don't feel like he would ever understand where I'm coming from.

I also took the plunge and called my old psychiatrist today. Unfortunately, since it's been so long since I saw him, I have to see a counselor first to do the intake and then I can see him for medication (if needed). My appointment isn't until Monday, January 12th!!! Thank goodness I'm not suicidal or something worse!

It's so much for me to wrap my head around. I overeat/binge eat because I have little to no self-control and I don't know how to eat normally, then my weight soars, then I feel bad about myself, then I start to diet and exercise, feel better, look thinner, get more attention from people and then decide that I'm not comfortable with the attention and then the cycle starts all over again.

I've been having so many flashbacks of 'the incident' and I get so angry.

Angry at my father for letting this monster 'babysit' me and my brother for the day while he played house with his (then) girlfriend.

Angry at my abuser for shattering my innocence and ending my childhood on that fateful day on July 8th, 1988. I wasn't even 9 years old!

Angry at my mother for not being there to protect me.

Angry at the system for letting this monster get away and never paying for what he did to me!

Angry at 'normal' people for not understanding what I have went through and still go through on a day to day basis.

I'm not fat simply because I overeat and don't exercise.

I overeat and eat badly to keep from feeling. I eat because I'm like a drug addict who enjoys that initial high that my drug (food) gives me. Food helps me forget about my feelings and stress at that given moment.

But unfortunately, unlike a drug addict, I can never put my drug of choice away for good. I must eat to survive.

Now it's just on to learning how to do that and coping with these feelings that never seem to completely go away...

Update on weight loss (or lack thereof)

I know, I know. I've neglected my blog.

I've been here numerous times throughout the past weeks but every time I get on, I just don't know what to type because I'm so disgusted with myself.

I'm still off my plan. It's pretty much been a free-for-all since Thanksgiving.

I had a mini melt down last week after shopping for some breakfast/snack stuff at the store. I came home with Double Stuff Oreos, 4 packages of Little Debbie Snack cakes, and 4 cans of Pringles. Wow?!

I didn't really realize that I had picked up that much junk food until Matt & I went to go put it away. He was pretty pissed, needless to say. He actually confronted me about my binge/bad eating. Talk about humiliating. I know he didn't talk to me about it to accomplish that but he has not really said much to me about my eating habits throughout the 8 years that we've been together and so I was completely blindsided by this conversation.

What I did figure out is that I have no clue how to eat NORMALLY. Give me Weight Watchers, I'm good. Give me Atkins, I'm good with that too. But cut me loose to eat freely on my own and it's not a pretty thing.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that I'm not depressed but I'm in a funk. It's pretty much spilled over to all areas of my life. I'm bored out of my mind at work. I'm bored at home. Lord knows I have plenty to do at both places, but I just find myself lacking the motivation to get the stuff done that I need to, whether it's eating good or getting stuff accomplished.

I'm having some major sleep issues right now and so maybe that's part of my problem. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. I toss and turn and probably wake up once an hour or once every other hour. I can't get to sleep at night when I finally get to bed...about an hour or two after I should go to bed. Then I'm dragging all day the next day and the cycle continues.

I'm seriously considering going back to my psychiatrist. I really don't want to go back on anti-depressants but maybe if it's not depression he can refer me to a good counselor.

I have been having some issues with my self-image again too. I'm in one of those moods where I don't want to be 'seen'...I'd much rather just blend into the background. I started to feel more attractive a month ago or so after I'd lost the first 20 lbs. and then I started getting self-conscious. I hate it when people look at me. Well, not women so much but I hate it when men look at me. I was starting to get to that point men were paying more attention to me. It is so uncomfortable. I really need to nip that problem in the bud.

I really, really hate the man who molested me. :( It is because of him that I'll never be "normal" in that respect.

Enough about that pig though. I've let him have way too much control over my life for way too long.

I do have a plan. I am back on my [eating] plan starting the first of the year. I will also start working out again then. My friend Jody and I are going to work out at lunch at work since we get an hour for lunch and have a nice weight room to exercise in. I am going to try to Wii Fit a couple of the other days at home. Wish me luck. I need it.

My second attempt at cutting Collin's hair

I am so proud of myself...and Collin! It took me probably a 1/2 hour to cut his hair and he didn't complain, cry, or fidget too much throughout the whole process. He's looks like such a big boy now!

Before (I don't know what this look is here?):

After:

Did I ever tell you that I wanted to be a Cosmetologist for years? Can you tell? :oP

Christmas Card 2008

Here is our Christmas card for this year, courtesy of Renee at Photocarddesign.com. They also do invitations, birth announcements, etc. Check 'em out! :)

I'm back from Florida!

I have a ton of stories but need to catch up with Matt before I go into details. In the meantime, enjoy my pictures! :)

Edited: Stupid MySpace slide show wasn't working, so here is a link to my Facebook photo album: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=12788&l=a2d8d&id=1240073638

In a slump :*(

I feel like such a loser lately...and not in a good (weight-loss kind of) way.

I've been off my plan since November 21st and have been binging like crazy. I guess that just goes to show you that just when you think you have your sh*t together, you realize that you don't. Very depressing! :(

Since I'm on a roll here, I haven't exercised since October 22nd according to Sparkpeople. WOW! I was thinking it was only a month or so but nope...42 days of no exercise. Pitiful! Seriously...WTH is wrong with me?!

I haven't weighed in since November 21st either. I'm too scared to.

Some good news is that my friend Jody got hired here at my job and she has agreed to be my exercise buddy. :) (Thanks, Jody!!!) I'm going to try to work out a 1/2 hour here three times per week and then get in some Wii time another three days out of the week.

On another positive note, I'm leaving for Naples, Florida tomorrow to visit my BFF, Joe, from high school. It's my early Christmas present from Matt. Isn't he just the best husband ever???

My goal while I'm down there is not to binge eat and to try to get in some type of physical activity. Joe lives in a condo and they have a heated pool and jacuzzi there so at the very least, my butt can get in some swim time while I'm there. Plus, we're going out for Joe's birthday on Saturday and so I'm sure I'll be burning some calories by shaking my booty on the dance floor. That should make for some great pictures too! This will only be the second time I've ever been to a gay bar and the first time was a blast. It will make for an interesting night, to say the least...

I'm not sure if I'll blog or not while I'm gone. I'm not taking my laptop but Joe has a computer. I know that I won't be sharing any pictures until I get back (unless I happen to take them with my camera phone...hmm...). I will post a picture slide show when I return so be sure to check that out next week.

I love these holidays but for weight loss purposes and getting healthy, I can't wait until they are over!

I'll be back on Monday so hope y'all have a great weekend!!! I know I will! :)