Anyway...I've decided to come back to use this space as a journal. I need a place to come to be able to get my feelings out in a healthy manner. I have got to stop this cycle of being healthy and then OCD eating.
I no longer think I am a binge eater. I am a compulsive eater. I've mentioned before that I am an emotional eater but I'm also compulsive with my eating. I have certain bad habits that I have got to break...the emotional eating being one of them. I also have some confessions that I am going to make along those lines just so I can recognize them and figure out a plan to deal with them:
- I am addicted to sugar. When I am not living healthy I must have some sort of dessert at least once a day. Here more recently, it's been several times a day. :( My favorite go to's are any sort of cookie, candy, or ice cream. I'm afraid to cut sugar out of my life completely because I know it would cause me to binge. However, if I keep it in my life, I rationalize why I am permitted to eat it. It's a slippery slope.
- I'm addicted to junk food. If it's in my house, I will eat it until it's gone.
- My food addictions are partially to blame for us being in a massive amount of debt right now. I had to come clean to Matt a few months ago because the anxiety was nearly killing me. I'm proud to say that we've managed to pay off probably around $8,000 in debt since March but we've still got a long way to go.
- My compulsions will cause me to steal junk food from my kids. Pathetic. :(
- I live everyday in fear that I may not wake up the next morning or that I'm going to have a heart attack and die during the day. I don't want to live that way anymore.
- My food addiction has either caused or contributed to my anxiety issues. I have been struggling with anxiety now since May 2012. I honestly used to think it was in people's heads until my struggle began. I also have agoraphobia that goes along with my anxiety. That really sucks when you have to leave the house to go to work everyday and then being at work causes you to have no choice but to come out of your shell. I honestly don't know how I made it to work some days over the past year with my anxiety being that bad.
I do have some positives that I have to pat myself on the back for:
- I have taken the stairs nearly everyday since December 2012 at work. Sometimes even 2-3 times per day.
- I absolutely love exercising. Especially yoga and running. Unfortunately, running doesn't like me. I attempted the couch to 5K again a couple of months ago and was only able to make it through half of week #2. My left knee has been bothering me off and on since I first took up running again a few years ago and it's never been the same since then. I've came to the conclusion that I need to get down to a more reasonable weight before I attempt running again. I think my extra weight is just too much for my knee.
- I am going to use My Fitness Pal to track my food and activity. I have a good support system there and it's free.
- I am going to cut out pop completely again and try to drink at least 5 glasses of water per day.
- When I get a jonesin' for something sweet, I will try to eat something healthy like apples and peanut butter or greek yogurt and a piece of fruit.
- I will walk on my lunch hour at least 3 times per week. I will also work out at least 3 times per week here at home or at the Y.
- I will focus on eating more whole foods and less processed foods.
- I will allow myself one cheat meal per week (or one wine night per week, LOL!). I have really developed a love for wine over the past couple of years but I need to either learn to drink it in moderation or learn that I have to exercise my ass off if I'm going to drink a lot in a night.